Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
