this beer tastes like vomit already
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
