I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
