Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
