I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
my liver is dry heaving
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
