So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
