Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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