I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
