Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
