they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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