i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
how drunk are you?
Several
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
