Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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