Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
