I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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