btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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