Who wears a wallet chain?!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
