And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
