I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
