i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
