I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
