someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
