How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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