I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
