Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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