He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
