Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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