They should really pass out barf bags in church
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
