I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Randomize
