remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I did not marry a roomba.
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