I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
