Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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