my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
