Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
