I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
