$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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