she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize