im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize