from now on my penis is your penis
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
