so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
