ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
