Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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