I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
