She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
