Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
