just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
