Bisexual people are plain selfish.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
