it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
