Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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