I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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