I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
