You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
