Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
my being single is dangerous.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
