She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
