For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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