Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize