i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
