so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
