Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
