Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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