and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
