Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize