May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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